Fires of History Collectible Card Game
First Edition — “Taxonomy” Expansion Set 8-Card Booster Pack
Ages 25+. Contains philosophical violence. Not suitable for Ferrous Cranus. Collect all 88. (You won’t. Nobody collects all 88. That’s the point.)
The following cards are offered as a public service by the Fires of History Taxonomic Institute, a nonprofit organization dedicated to the classification, preservation, and tactical deployment of high-effort trolling across all eras of human civilization. Each card pairs one of Mike Reed’s Flame Warriors archetypes (c. 2001) with a historical figure from this book. Stats are calculated using the proprietary Provocation Impact Rating system (PIR), which weighs craft, personal risk, cultural half-life, and the establishment’s institutional embarrassment on a scale of 1 to 10. All stats are final. Appeals will be filed in the same margin Fermat used.
The Gadfly
Socrates of Athens (469–399 BC)
No. / 88 ΣATK9DEF3HP1Special Ability — Elenchus Target opponent must define a concept they claimed to understand. For each failed definition, opponent loses 2 DEF. Ability cannot be countered, only endured. If opponent concedes ignorance, both players gain 1 Wisdom. (This has never happened.)I know nothing except the fact of my ignorance. Now let me explain, at length, why everything you think you know is wrong.
Lore. Wandered Athens for forty years asking questions that sounded innocent and were not. Targeted generals, priests, politicians, and poets — anyone who claimed certain knowledge. Never wrote anything down. Was executed by the state for "corrupting the youth," which in practice meant making powerful men feel stupid in public. At sentencing, suggested his punishment should be free meals for life. DEF of 3 because he refused to defend himself. HP of 1 because they killed him and he let them. ATK of 9 because 2,400 years later, the questions still land.
The Satirist
François-Marie Arouet, dit Voltaire (1694–1778)
No. / 88 VATK10DEF7HP8Special Ability — Candide's Mirror Write a devastating satirical work targeting one opponent. Opponent's philosophical position is permanently reduced to a punchline. This effect persists after the game ends. This effect persists after both players are dead.I was imprisoned in the Bastille for my satire. I used the time to write better satire. The Bastille is no longer standing. I am still in print.
Lore. Imprisoned twice. Exiled repeatedly. Wrote Candide and demolished Leibniz's optimism so thoroughly that "the best of all possible worlds" became a joke instead of a philosophy. Published under his own name, mostly, which in eighteenth-century France was either courage or a death wish — the distinction being academic when you're the one doing it. The only troll in history who can claim, with a straight face, that his trolling contributed to the Enlightenment. He cannot claim it with a straight face because he has been dead since 1778, but the claim stands.
The Cynic
Diogenes of Sinope (c. 412–323 BC)
No. / 88 ΔATK8DEF10HP6Special Ability — Commitment Troll Player lives inside a ceramic jar for the remainder of the game. All attacks against this card are negated by the opponent's inability to take seriously a man who lives in a jar. If Alexander the Great enters the field, Diogenes may tell him to move because he is blocking the sun. Alexander cannot retaliate. Alexander will later say he wishes he were Diogenes, which is the most devastating compliment in the history of losing.He masturbated in the Athenian marketplace and his only comment was that he wished he could satisfy hunger as easily by rubbing his belly.
Lore. Lived in a storage jar. Carried a lantern in daylight, searching for an honest man. Never found one. Defecated in the theater. Plucked a chicken and brought it to Plato's Academy after Plato defined man as a "featherless biped." DEF of 10 because you cannot hurt a man who has already abandoned everything you might threaten to take away. The Cynic's defense is that there is nothing left to defend.
The Modest Proposer
Jonathan Swift (1667–1745)
No. / 88 JSATK10DEF6HP5Special Ability — Deadpan Play a card that is indistinguishable from a sincere policy proposal. Opponents must read the entire card before realizing it is an attack. Damage is calculated retroactively from the point at which the opponent began nodding along. The more they nodded, the more it hurts.I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London that a young healthy child, well nursed, is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food.
Lore. Dean of St. Patrick's Cathedral, Dublin. Published A Modest Proposal in 1729 — a perfectly measured argument that the Irish should sell their children as food to English landlords. Calculated the economics. Provided seasoning suggestions. Never once broke character. The pamphlet is the greatest shitpost in the history of the English language, and the reason it works is that the real English policies toward Ireland were only marginally less monstrous than the fake one.
The Margin Noter
Pierre de Fermat (1601–1665)
No. / 88 aⁿATK7DEF10HP10Special Ability — "This Margin Is Too Narrow" Claim to possess a proof of devastating power. Decline to produce it. Die. Opponent must spend 358 years and 129 pages attempting to verify the claim. If the claim is eventually verified, this card's ATK retroactively increases to 10. If the claim is never verified, this card's ATK retroactively increases to 10 anyway, because the provocation was the point.I have discovered a truly marvelous proof of this, which this margin is too narrow to contain. Also I am dead now. Good luck.
Lore. Scribbled a note in the margin of Diophantus's Arithmetica around 1637 claiming he had a proof that no three positive integers satisfy aⁿ + bⁿ = cⁿ for n > 2. Then he went about his life. Then he died. Andrew Wiles finally proved it in 1995 using mathematics that would not exist for centuries after Fermat's death. DEF and HP both 10 because you cannot damage a dead man's claim and you cannot outlast a provocation that is still producing results four centuries later.
The Evil Clown
Andy Kaufman (1949–1984)
No. / 88 AKATK8DEF9HP?Special Ability — Is He Dead? When this card's HP reaches 0, flip a coin. On heads, Kaufman was faking. Return to play with full HP. On tails, Kaufman was not faking and is genuinely dead. Opponent may never be certain which outcome occurred. This uncertainty is permanent. It applies to the actual Andy Kaufman. It has been forty-two years and people are still flipping the coin.I am not a comedian. I have never told a joke. The audience is the joke.
Lore. Created Tony Clifton, an obnoxious lounge singer who was "definitely not" Andy Kaufman. Declared himself Inter-Gender Wrestling Champion of the World and challenged women to matches on national television for four years. Read The Great Gatsby aloud to a live comedy audience instead of performing. The audience booed. He kept reading. HP is listed as "?" because commitment trolling does not end when the troll does.
The Culture Jammer
The Yes Men (Jacques Servin & Igor Vamos, active 1996–present)
No. / 88 YMATK9DEF5HP7Special Ability — Identity Correction Impersonate a powerful opponent on live television. Announce a policy so reasonable that the real opponent must publicly deny it. Opponent takes 2 billion dollars of stock price damage. Opponent then takes permanent reputation damage from having to say, on the record, that they will NOT do the reasonable thing you announced on their behalf.We went on BBC World News as Dow Chemical and said we'd compensate Bhopal victims. Dow's stock dropped $2 billion. Then Dow had to go on television and say 'We will NOT compensate Bhopal victims.' We felt that was clarifying.
Lore. Built fake corporate websites for the WTO and Dow Chemical. On December 3, 2004, "Jude Finisterra" appeared on BBC World News and announced that Dow Chemical would accept full responsibility for the 1984 Bhopal disaster. Dow's market cap dropped two billion dollars before the hoax was revealed. DEF of 5 because they are identifiable, sueable humans. ATK of 9 because the denial is the confession. Voltaire with a press badge and a domain name.
The Shitposter
Marcel Duchamp (1887–1968)
No. / 88 MDATK10DEF8HP9Special Ability — Readymade Select any ordinary object. Sign it. Submit it to a prestigious exhibition. The object is now art. If opponents reject the object, they must publicly define what art is, which they cannot do, which proves the point. If opponents accept the object, a signed urinal is now in a museum, which also proves the point. This ability has no losing condition.He bought a urinal from a plumbing supply store, signed it 'R. Mutt,' and submitted it to an art exhibition. The exhibition rejected it. A century later, it was voted the most influential artwork of the twentieth century. The urinal won.
Lore. Submitted Fountain — a mass-produced porcelain urinal, rotated 90 degrees and signed "R. Mutt 1917" — to the Society of Independent Artists exhibition in New York. They had pledged to accept all submissions. They rejected it. Seventeen authorized replicas now exist in major museums worldwide. ATK of 10 because the question "But is it art?" has been running for over a hundred years, and every time someone asks it, Duchamp wins again.
Fires of History Collectible Card Game — “Taxonomy” Expansion First Edition, First Printing 8 of 88 cards. Remaining 80 cards to be released when the author locates them in a margin somewhere.
Cards illustrated in the style of the Flame Warriors Guide (Mike Reed, c. 2001). PIR (Provocation Impact Rating) methodology available upon request. Requests will be answered in the same timeframe as Fermat’s proof.
The Fires of History Taxonomic Institute is not responsible for arguments caused by stat disagreements. If you believe Voltaire’s ATK should be higher than Duchamp’s, you are wrong, but your wrongness is the kind of productive disagreement this entire book is about, so please continue.
Flame Warriors archetype names used with acknowledgment of Mike Reed’s original taxonomy. The Flame Warriors Guide (flamewarriorsguide.com) is the foundational text. We are all standing on the shoulders of a guy in Minnesota who got tired of the same twelve people showing up in every forum and decided to draw them.
No trolls were harmed in the making of these cards. Several establishments were.