Profiles in Trolling

The following profiles were compiled by the BAU’s Historical Trolling Division, a unit that does not officially exist, has never received funding, and has been producing behavioral assessments of provocateurs since an intern made the mistake of asking “but what was Socrates’ MBTI?” during orientation week in 2003. The unit has never solved a case. The profiles are still more useful than most things the Bureau produces.

Methodology adapted from The-Profiler (6-stage pipeline: behavioral archetype, essence indicators, social persona, forensic comparison, psychometric scoring, deception/threat analysis).

Troll Power Rankings

Rank	Subject	Era	Div	ATK/DEF/HP	Score
S-Tierscore 85+
1	FRANCOIS-MARIE AROUET, dit VOLTAIRETHE PRECISION SATIRIST	1778CE	HTD	10/7/8	89
2	HAFIZTHE POET WHO COULD NOT BE PINNED DOWN	1390CE	HTD	9/10/10	88
3	LEO TAXILTHE LONG-CON HOAXER	1907CE	HTD	10/7/6	88
4	NASREDDIN HODJATHE BELOVED SURVIVOR	1284CE	HTD	9/10/10	88
5	ZHUANGZITHE PHILOSOPHICAL DEPTH-CHARGE	0286BCE	HTD	9/10/9	86
6	RICHARD PRYORTHE CONFESSIONAL ARSONIST	2005CE	HTD	10/5/8	85.2
7	THE YES MENTHE COUNTERFEIT SPOKESMAN	PRESENT	DSD	10/8/9	85.2
A-Tier70 – 84
8	BILL HICKSTHE PHILOSOPHER-PREACHER	1994CE	HTD	10/2/3	84.6
9	GEORGE CARLINTHE CONSTITUTIONAL TEST CASE	2008CE	HTD	9/6/9	84.6
10	IKKYU SOJUNTHE HOLY SCANDAL	1481CE	HTD	9/9/9	84.5
11	BANKSYTHE FACELESS PROVOCATEUR	PRESENT	HTD	9/9/9	84
12	GIORDANO BRUNOTHE MARTYR WHO WOULD NOT RECANT	1600CE	HTD	9/1/2	84
13	RUMITHE INSIDER WHO DEFECTED UPWARD	1273CE	HTD	10/9/10	84
14	SACHA BARON COHENTHE MIRROR IN COSTUME	PRESENT	HTD	9/8/9	83.6
15	ARISTOPHANESTHE WEAPONIZED PLAYWRIGHT	0386BCE	HTD	10/7/6	81.5
16	THOMAS PAINETHE ACCELERANT	1809CE	HTD	10/4/4	81.5
17	ABBIE HOFFMANTHE STAGE-MANAGER OF REALITY	1989CE	HTD	10/4/7	81.4
18	LENNY BRUCETHE OBSCENITY MARTYR	1966CE	HTD	9/1/4	81.4
19	MARCEL DUCHAMPTHE SYSTEMS HACKER	1968CE	HTD	10/8/9	80.7
20	JOAN RIVERSTHE LICENSED INSULTER	2014CE	HTD	9/5/8	80.3
21	NATHAN FIELDERTHE STRAIGHT MAN WHO BUILT THE WORLD	PRESENT	DSD	8/8/9	79.4
22	SALVADOR DALITHE TROLL AS BRAND	1989CE	HTD	9/8/9	79.4
23	BIRBALTHE LICENSED CONFIDANT	1586CE	HTD	8/9/7	79
24	JACOB FRANKTHE PROPHET OF THE ABYSS	1791CE	HTD	9/6/6	78.6
25	JONATHAN SWIFTTHE PERFECT DEADPAN	1745CE	HTD	10/6/5	78.4
26	ROBERT ANTON WILSONTHE REALITY TUNNEL ARCHITECT	2007CE	HTD	7/6/0	78
27	ANDY KAUFMANTHE PERMANENT PERFORMER	1984CE	HTD	9/2/10	77.2
28	MARTIN LUTHERTHE RIGHTEOUS VANDAL	1546CE	HTD	10/5/8	76.8
29	LUCIEN GREAVESTHE CONSTITUTIONAL MIRROR	ACTIVE	HTD	9/8/7	74.5
30	MARK TWAINTHE STRAIGHT-FACED PROVOCATEUR	1910CE	HTD	9/6/6	74.2
31	FRANCOIS RABELAISTHE LEARNED GROTESQUE	1553CE	HTD	9/8/6	74.1
32	GREG HILLTHE JOKE THAT BECAME A RELIGION	2000CE	HTD	6/9/0	74
33	ALEISTER CROWLEYTHE DELIBERATE MONSTER	1947CE	HTD	7/4/6	73.6
34	ANTON SZANDOR LAVEYTHE SHOWMAN IN THE BLACK HOUSE	1997CE	HTD	7/6/0	73
35	SOCRATES OF ATHENSTHE METHODOLOGICAL DECONSTRUCTOR	0399BCE	HTD	9/3/1	72.2
36	ANDREW "WEEV" AUERNHEIMERTHE TROLL YOU CANNOT READ	ACTIVE	DCD	9/3/8	72
37	ALAN MOORETHE DELIBERATE BELIEVER	1953CE	HTD	8/7/6	72
38	EDWARD KELLEYTHE CON MAN WHO MAY HAVE BELIEVED HIS OWN ACT	1597CE	HTD	8/5/6	71.5
39	SABBATAI ZEVITHE APOSTATE MESSIAH	1676CE	HTD	9/4/5	71.4
40	KABRUTUSGRASSROOTS ORGANIZER -- METADATA WEAPONIZER	2024CE	DCD	8/4/6	71.3
41	GALILEO GALILEITHE POLITE DEMOLITION EXPERT	1642CE	HTD	10/3/6	71.2
42	EMILY DICKINSONTHE SNIPER	1886CE	HTD	9/9/4	71
43	GIOVANNI PICO DELLA MIRANDOLATHE UNIVERSAL CHALLENGER	1494CE	HTD	8/4/3	71
44	HEINRICH KRAMERTHE EXPELLED INQUISITOR WHO WROTE THE MANUAL	1505CE	HTD	8/2/6	71
45	HIROYUKI NISHIMURATHE GREAT-GRANDFATHER	PRESENT	DSD	7/9/8	71
46	JOHANNES TRITHEMIUSTHE BOOK THAT LIES ABOUT ITSELF	1516CE	HTD	8/6/6	71
47	KERRY THORNLEYTHE PRANKSTER THE PRANK OUTLIVED	1998CE	HTD	7/4/0	71
48	PETER CARROLLTHE SYSTEMS STRIPPER	1953CE	HTD	6/8/7	71
49	BENJAMIN FRANKLINTHE STRATEGIC IMPOSTOR	1790CE	HTD	8/7/9	70.8
50	IVAN STANGTHE SLACK PROPHET	1953CE	HTD	6/8/5	70
B-Tier55 – 69
51	DIOGENES OF SINOPETHE RADICAL EMBODIER	0323BCE	HTD	8/10/0	69.2
52	JOEY SKAGGSTHE PROFESSIONAL	ACTIVE	DCD	8/8/9	68
53	ROBERT SHEATHE STRAIGHT MAN OF THE APOCALYPSE	1994CE	HTD	6/7/0	68
54	GRANT MORRISONTHE REALITY HACKER	1960CE	HTD	7/5/6	68
55	HEINRICH CORNELIUS AGRIPPATHE PRE-EMPTIVE RECANTER	1535CE	HTD	8/5/3	67
56	JAMES RANDITHE HONEST LIAR	2020CE	HTD	8/8/8	66
57	AUSTIN OSMAN SPARETHE PATRON SAINT OF THE SHITPOST	1956CE	HTD	5/3/0	65
58	JASON "RFJASON" FORTUNYTHE MAN WHO PUBLISHED THE REPLIES	ACTIVE	DCD	8/3/5	64
59	JACK PARSONSTHE MAN WHO REFUSED TO CHOOSE	1952CE	HTD	8/2/4	64
60	PARACELSUSTHE TEXTBOOK BURNER	1541CE	DSD	8/1/3	63.5
61	ALEXANDER "THE MITTANI" GIANTURCOTHE EMPEROR OF GOONSWARM	ACTIVE	DCD	8/5/8	63
62	KURT GODELTHE LIAR WHO TOLD THE TRUTH	1978CE	HTD	10/8/0	63
63	ZACK HOYTMASS-AUDIENCE CONSUMER ADVOCATE -- ACCIDENTAL MOVEMENT LEADER	2024CE	DCD	7/6/9	62.4
64	ALAN ABELTHE FORERUNNER	2018CE	DCD	8/8/9	62
65	ISAAC NEWTONTHE HIDDEN PRACTITIONER	1727CE	HTD	9/10/0	62
66	PIERRE DE FERMATTHE MARGIN ANNOTATOR	1665CE	HTD	10/10/0	61.5
67	KEVIN MITNICKTHE MAN TOO DANGEROUS TO TOUCH A TELEPHONE	2023CE	DCD	8/4/8	61
68	ÉLIPHAS LÉVITHE REBRANDER OF THE FORBIDDEN	1875CE	HTD	8/3/4	61
69	KEN MTHE GENTLEMAN TROLL	PRESENT	DSD	7/7/8	61
70	HARRY HOUDINITHE FOUNDING DEBUNKER	1926CE	HTD	8/7/8	60.5
71	JAKE "TOPIARY" DAVISTHE VOICE	ACTIVE	DCD	8/3/6	60
72	EDWARD BERNAYSTHE INVISIBLE GOVERNOR	1995CE	HTD	9/10/0	60
73	MARK KERNCREDENTIALED INDUSTRY INSIDER -- CONSUMER REVOLT ORGANIZER	2024CE	DCD	6/5/7	58.1
74	MICHAEL "VIOLENTACREZ" BRUTSCHTHE MAN BEHIND THE HANDLE	ACTIVE	DCD	7/2/3	58
75	DRILTHE CONFIDENT INCOMPETENT	PRESENT	DSD	7/6/9	58
76	GEORG CANTORTHE MAN WHO COUNTED PAST INFINITY	1918CE	HTD	9/3/1	58
77	PHIL HINETHE MANUAL WRITER	PRESENT	DSD	4/7/7	58
78	ROBERT BOYLETHE ESTABLISHMENT INSIDER	1691CE	HTD	7/9/1	58
79	MICHAEL AQUINOTHE LIEUTENANT COLONEL OF DARKNESS	2019CE	HTD	7/9/0	58
80	OSCAR WILDETHE AESTHETIC PROVOCATEUR	1900CE	HTD	8/1/3	56.8
81	MR. BUNGLE (THE LAMBDAMOO CASE)THE FIRST GRIEFER	1993CE	DCD	7/2/6	56
82	JOHN DEEPOLYMATH OPERATOR -- DUAL-TRACK REALITY SPECIALIST	1609CE	DSD	7/4/3	56
83	SAMY KAMKARACCIDENTAL WORM AUTHOR -- XSS POETRY SPECIALIST	2005CE	DCD	8/3/7	55.8
84	ORSON WELLESTHE ILLUSIONIST	1985CE	HTD	8/7/8	55
C-Tier35 – 54
85	AUBREY "KIRTANER" COTTLETHE SELF-APPOINTED FOUNDER	ACTIVE	DCD	7/4/5	54
86	RYAN "KAYLA" ACKROYDTHE FABRICATED PERSONA	ACTIVE	DCD	7/3/5	54
87	SRINIVASA RAMANUJANTHE MAN WHO MAILED THE ANSWERS	1920CE	HTD	10/4/2	54
88	AL-HALLAJTHE DIVINE IDENTIFIER	0922CE	DSD	10/0/0	53.6
89	WHITNEY PHILLIPSMEDIA AMPLIFICATION ANALYST -- OXYGEN-OF-AMPLIFICATION THEORIST	ACTIVE	DCD	5/9/8	53.5
90	STATLER & WALDORFTHE MEN IN THE BALCONY	1975CE	HTD	6/9/10	53
91	FANSY THE FAMOUS BARDTHE UNKILLABLE BARD	2001CE	DCD	7/8/8	52
92	HECTOR "SABU" MONSEGURTHE TURNED ASSET	2012CE	DCD	7/2/0	52
93	SIMON MAGUSTHE FIRST HERETIC	0060CE	HTD	6/3/2	51.2
94	ADRIAN LAMOTHE ONE WHO MADE THE CALL	2018CE	DCD	7/3/4	50.5
95	SHERROD "GIRLVINYL" DEGRIPPOTHE LOREKEEPER	ACTIVE	DCD	6/7/8	50
96	ALAN TURINGTHE FORMALIZER	1954CE	HTD	10/1/0	49.2
97	SAMUEL LIDDELL MACGREGOR MATHERSTHE ORDER-BUILDER	1918CE	HTD	8/3/2	49
98	BARRETT BROWNTHE PRESS OFFICER WHO BECAME THE STORY	ACTIVE	DCD	6/4/6	48
99	FREDRICK "COPYPASTE" BRENNANTHE REPENTANT ARCHITECT	2026CE	DCD	6/5/7	48
100	JONATHAN JAMESTHE MINOR WHO BREACHED THE PENTAGON AND WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO STOP PAYING	2008CE	DCD	8/1/0	48
101	RENE GIRARDTHE DIAGNOSTICIAN	2015CE	HTD	7/9/10	48
102	RICHARD "LOWTAX" KYANKACOMMUNITY ARCHITECT -- FRICTION-AS-DESIGN PIONEER	2021CE	DCD	6/3/0	46
103	GENE RAYTHE SINCERE OUTSIDER	2015CE	DCD	5/8/8	44
104	CHRISTOPHER "MOOT" POOLETHE RELUCTANT ARCHITECT	ACTIVE	DCD	3/5/7	44
105	AARON SWARTZTHE BUILDER WHO WAS DESTROYED FOR BUILDING	2013CE	DCD	7/2/0	43
106	JUDITH DONATHTHE CARTOGRAPHER	ACTIVE	DCD	1/10/9	42.9
107	BARNABY JACKTHE SHOWMAN WHO SCARED AN INDUSTRY INTO SAVING LIVES	2013CE	DCD	8/7/7	42
108	ADAM WEISHAUPTTHE ACCIDENTAL IMMORTAL	1830CE	DSD	3/0/2	41.4
109	ISRAEL REGARDIETHE OATH-BREAKING ARCHIVIST	1985CE	HTD	9/6/7	41
110	STEVE HUFFMANTHE SOVEREIGN OF A REPUBLIC HE DOES NOT BELIEVE IN	PRESENT	DSD	5/6/8	41
111	WILLIAM BUTLER YEATSTHE DOUBLE-LIFE ADEPT	1939CE	HTD	9/7/8	41
112	BASSEL KHARTABILTHE MAN WHO OPENED THINGS IN A COUNTRY THAT CLOSED THEM	2015CE	DCD	7/1/0	41
113	GEORGE SMITHTHE ACCIDENTAL REVOLUTIONARY	1876CE	DSD	10/8/2	41
114	TERRY A. DAVISTHE MAN WHO BUILT A TEMPLE ALONE	2018CE	DCD	5/7/7	38
115	MARSILIO FICINOTHE TRANSMITTER	1499CE	HTD	9/6/5	38
116	NICOLAS FLAMELTHE ACCIDENTAL LEGEND	1418CE	HTD	6/2/9	38
117	SEAN SMITHTHE MAN WHO RAN TWO FOREIGN SERVICES AT ONCE	2012CE	DCD	7/1/0	38
118	ALEXANDER HISLOPTHE CONFIDENT FABRICATOR	1865CE	DSD	6/0/10	37
D-Tierbelow 35
119	KIM BELAIRINSTITUTIONAL CONSULTANT -- COMPLIANCE INDUSTRY OPERATOR	2024CE	DCD	4/7/6	34.2
120	LEN SASSAMANTHE ENGINEER WHO GAVE STRANGERS THE RIGHT TO WHISPER	2011CE	DCD	7/3/0	34
121	ZECHARIA SITCHINTHE REVISIONIST MYTHMAKER	2010CE	DSD	5/0/9	33.5
122	CULLEN HOBACKTHE DETECTIVE WHO FILMED THE REVEAL	PRESENT	DSD	4/8/8	31
123	DAN GEERTHE INSIDER WHO WOULDN'T SHUT UP	PRESENT	DSD	8/7/9	31
124	LEEROY JENKINS (BEN SCHULZ)THE GLORIOUS IDIOT	2005CE	DCD	5/8/9	30
125	MOINA MATHERSTHE SET DESIGNER	1928CE	HTD	5/6/5	27
126	ALEXIS OHANIANTHE GENIAL FRONT MAN	PRESENT	DSD	4/5/7	24
127	DION FORTUNETHE TRANSLATOR	1946CE	HTD	7/6/7	24
128	FLORENCE FARRTHE PRODUCER-DIRECTOR	1917CE	HTD	6/7/6	22
129	FRANCES HAUGENTHE INSIDER WHO KEPT THE RECEIPTS	PRESENT	DSD	6/6/8	22
130	AARON BARRTHE AGGRESSOR UNDONE	PRESENT	DSD	2/1/4	18
131	KEVIN ROSETHE FOUNDER WHO REDESIGNED THE EXIT	PRESENT	DSD	2/4/6	18
132	RICK ASTLEYTHE UNWITTING PAYLOAD	PRESENT	DSD	2/9/9	18
133	ERIC KNUDSENTHE MAN WHO INVENTED A FOLK MONSTER BY ACCIDENT	PRESENT	DSD	3/4/6	14
134	IAN GOODFELLOWTHE MAN WHO TAUGHT MACHINES TO LIE CONVINCINGLY	PRESENT	DSD	4/6/8	14
135	IAN MURDOCKTHE BUILDER WHOSE NAME RUNS ON HALF THE INTERNET	2015CE	DCD	2/5/9	11.7
136	JAMES DOLANTHE BUILDER NOBODY NAMES	2017CE	DCD	8/1/1	11
137	SLOWBEEFTHE MAN WHO PRESSED RECORD	PRESENT	DSD	2/4/8	9
138	WARD CHRISTENSENTHE SYSOP WHO BUILT THE ROOM AND NEVER TOOK THE CREDIT	2024CE	DSD	9/8/1	9
139	RANDY SUESSTHE HARDWARE HALF OF THE BLIZZARD	2019CE	DSD	8/8/1	8.5
140	JASON SCOTTTHE MAN WHO REFUSED TO LET THE INTERNET FORGET ITSELF	PRESENT	DSD	8/7/8	8
141	MATT FURIETHE CARTOONIST WHOSE FROG GOT AWAY	PRESENT	DSD	2/4/6	8
142	TOM JENNINGSTHE ANARCHIST WHO BUILT THE NETWORK AND GAVE IT AWAY	PRESENT	DSD	9/8/6	2