Profiles in Trolling

The following profiles were compiled by the BAU’s Historical Trolling Division, a unit that does not officially exist, has never received funding, and has been producing behavioral assessments of provocateurs since an intern made the mistake of asking “but what was Socrates’ MBTI?” during orientation week in 2003. The unit has never solved a case. The profiles are still more useful than most things the Bureau produces.

Methodology adapted from The-Profiler (6-stage pipeline: behavioral archetype, essence indicators, social persona, forensic comparison, psychometric scoring, deception/threat analysis).

Troll Power Rankings

Rank	Subject	Era	Div	ATK/DEF/HP	Score
S-Tierscore 85+
1	FRANCOIS-MARIE AROUET, dit VOLTAIRETHE PRECISION SATIRIST	1778AD	HTD	10/7/8	89
2	HAFIZTHE POET WHO COULD NOT BE PINNED DOWN	1390AD	HTD	9/10/10	88
2	LEO TAXILTHE LONG-CON HOAXER	1907AD	HTD	10/7/6	88
2	NASREDDIN HODJATHE BELOVED SURVIVOR	1284AD	HTD	9/10/10	88
5	ZHUANGZITHE PHILOSOPHICAL DEPTH-CHARGE	0286BC	HTD	9/10/9	86
6	RICHARD PRYORTHE CONFESSIONAL ARSONIST	2005AD	HTD	10/5/8	85.2
6	THE YES MENTHE COUNTERFEIT SPOKESMAN	PRESENT	DSD	10/8/9	85.2
A-Tier70 – 84
8	BILL HICKSTHE PHILOSOPHER-PREACHER	1994AD	HTD	10/2/3	84.6
8	GEORGE CARLINTHE CONSTITUTIONAL TEST CASE	2008AD	HTD	9/6/9	84.6
10	IKKYU SOJUNTHE HOLY SCANDAL	1481AD	HTD	9/9/9	84.5
11	BANKSYTHE FACELESS PROVOCATEUR	PRESENT	HTD	9/9/9	84
11	GIORDANO BRUNOTHE MARTYR WHO WOULD NOT RECANT	1600AD	HTD	9/1/2	84
11	RUMITHE INSIDER WHO DEFECTED UPWARD	1273AD	HTD	10/9/10	84
14	SACHA BARON COHENTHE MIRROR IN COSTUME	PRESENT	HTD	9/8/9	83.6
15	ARISTOPHANESTHE WEAPONIZED PLAYWRIGHT	0386BC	HTD	10/7/6	81.5
15	THOMAS PAINETHE ACCELERANT	1809AD	HTD	10/4/4	81.5
17	ABBIE HOFFMANTHE STAGE-MANAGER OF REALITY	1989AD	HTD	10/4/7	81.4
17	LENNY BRUCETHE OBSCENITY MARTYR	1966AD	HTD	9/1/4	81.4
19	MARCEL DUCHAMPTHE SYSTEMS HACKER	1968AD	HTD	10/8/9	80.7
20	JOAN RIVERSTHE LICENSED INSULTER	2014AD	HTD	9/5/8	80.3
21	NATHAN FIELDERTHE STRAIGHT MAN WHO BUILT THE WORLD	PRESENT	DSD	8/8/9	79.4
21	SALVADOR DALITHE TROLL AS BRAND	1989AD	HTD	9/8/9	79.4
23	BIRBALTHE LICENSED CONFIDANT	1586AD	HTD	8/9/7	79
24	JACOB FRANKTHE PROPHET OF THE ABYSS	1791AD	HTD	9/6/6	78.6
25	JONATHAN SWIFTTHE PERFECT DEADPAN	1745AD	HTD	10/6/5	78.4
26	ROBERT ANTON WILSONTHE REALITY TUNNEL ARCHITECT	2007AD	HTD	7/6/0	78
27	ANDY KAUFMANTHE PERMANENT PERFORMER	1984AD	HTD	9/2/10	77.2
28	MARTIN LUTHERTHE RIGHTEOUS VANDAL	1546AD	HTD	10/5/8	76.8
29	LUCIEN GREAVESTHE CONSTITUTIONAL MIRROR	ACTIVE	HTD	9/8/7	74.5
30	MARK TWAINTHE STRAIGHT-FACED PROVOCATEUR	1910AD	HTD	9/6/6	74.2
31	FRANCOIS RABELAISTHE LEARNED GROTESQUE	1553AD	HTD	9/8/6	74.1
32	GREG HILLTHE JOKE THAT BECAME A RELIGION	2000AD	HTD	6/9/0	74
33	ALEISTER CROWLEYTHE DELIBERATE MONSTER	1947AD	HTD	7/4/6	73.6
34	ANTON SZANDOR LAVEYTHE SHOWMAN IN THE BLACK HOUSE	1997AD	HTD	7/6/0	73
35	SOCRATES OF ATHENSTHE METHODOLOGICAL DECONSTRUCTOR	0399BC	HTD	9/3/1	72.2
36	ANDREW "WEEV" AUERNHEIMERTHE TROLL WHO STOPPED KIDDING	ACTIVE	DCD	9/3/8	72
36	ALAN MOORETHE DELIBERATE BELIEVER	1953AD	HTD	8/7/6	72
38	EDWARD KELLEYTHE CON MAN WHO MAY HAVE BELIEVED HIS OWN ACT	1597AD	HTD	8/5/6	71.5
39	SABBATAI ZEVITHE APOSTATE MESSIAH	1676AD	HTD	9/4/5	71.4
40	KABRUTUSGRASSROOTS ORGANIZER -- METADATA WEAPONIZER	2024AD	DCD	8/4/6	71.3
41	GALILEO GALILEITHE POLITE DEMOLITION EXPERT	1642AD	HTD	10/3/6	71.2
42	EMILY DICKINSONTHE SNIPER	1886AD	HTD	9/9/4	71
42	GIOVANNI PICO DELLA MIRANDOLATHE UNIVERSAL CHALLENGER	1494AD	HTD	8/4/3	71
42	HEINRICH KRAMERTHE EXPELLED INQUISITOR WHO WROTE THE MANUAL	1505AD	HTD	8/2/6	71
42	HIROYUKI NISHIMURATHE GREAT-GRANDFATHER	PRESENT	DSD	7/9/8	71
42	JOHANNES TRITHEMIUSTHE BOOK THAT LIES ABOUT ITSELF	1516AD	HTD	8/6/6	71
42	KERRY THORNLEYTHE PRANKSTER THE PRANK OUTLIVED	1998AD	HTD	7/4/0	71
42	PETER CARROLLTHE SYSTEMS STRIPPER	2026AD	HTD	6/8/7	71
49	BENJAMIN FRANKLINTHE STRATEGIC IMPOSTOR	1790AD	HTD	8/7/9	70.8
50	IVAN STANGTHE SLACK PROPHET	1953AD	HTD	6/8/5	70
B-Tier55 – 69
51	DIOGENES OF SINOPETHE RADICAL EMBODIER	0323BC	HTD	8/10/0	69.2
52	JOEY SKAGGSTHE PROFESSIONAL	ACTIVE	DCD	8/8/9	68
52	ROBERT SHEATHE STRAIGHT MAN OF THE APOCALYPSE	1994AD	HTD	6/7/0	68
52	GRANT MORRISONTHE REALITY HACKER	1960AD	HTD	7/5/6	68
55	HEINRICH CORNELIUS AGRIPPATHE PRE-EMPTIVE RECANTER	1535AD	HTD	8/5/3	67
56	JAMES RANDITHE HONEST LIAR	2020AD	HTD	8/8/8	66
57	AUSTIN OSMAN SPARETHE PATRON SAINT OF THE SHITPOST	1956AD	HTD	5/3/0	65
58	JASON "RFJASON" FORTUNYTHE MAN WHO PUBLISHED THE REPLIES	ACTIVE	DCD	8/3/5	64
58	JACK PARSONSTHE MAN WHO REFUSED TO CHOOSE	1952AD	HTD	8/2/4	64
60	PARACELSUSTHE TEXTBOOK BURNER	1541AD	DSD	8/1/3	63.5
61	ALEXANDER "THE MITTANI" GIANTURCOTHE EMPEROR OF GOONSWARM	ACTIVE	DCD	8/5/8	63
61	KURT GODELTHE LIAR WHO TOLD THE TRUTH	1978AD	HTD	10/8/0	63
63	ZACK HOYTMASS-AUDIENCE CONSUMER ADVOCATE -- ACCIDENTAL MOVEMENT LEADER	2024AD	DCD	7/6/9	62.4
64	ALAN ABELTHE FORERUNNER	2018AD	DCD	8/8/9	62
64	ISAAC NEWTONTHE HIDDEN PRACTITIONER	1727AD	HTD	9/10/0	62
66	PIERRE DE FERMATTHE MARGIN ANNOTATOR	1665AD	HTD	10/10/0	61.5
67	KEVIN MITNICKTHE MAN TOO DANGEROUS TO TOUCH A TELEPHONE	2023AD	DCD	8/4/8	61
67	ÉLIPHAS LÉVITHE REBRANDER OF THE FORBIDDEN	1875AD	HTD	8/3/4	61
67	KEN MTHE GENTLEMAN TROLL	PRESENT	DSD	7/7/8	61
70	HARRY HOUDINITHE FOUNDING DEBUNKER	1926AD	HTD	8/7/8	60.5
71	JAKE "TOPIARY" DAVISTHE VOICE	ACTIVE	DCD	8/3/6	60
71	EDWARD BERNAYSTHE INVISIBLE GOVERNOR	1995AD	HTD	9/10/0	60
73	MARK KERNCREDENTIALED INDUSTRY INSIDER -- CONSUMER REVOLT ORGANIZER	2024AD	DCD	6/5/7	58.1
74	MICHAEL "VIOLENTACREZ" BRUTSCHTHE MAN BEHIND THE HANDLE	ACTIVE	DCD	7/2/3	58
74	DRILTHE CONFIDENT INCOMPETENT	PRESENT	DSD	7/6/9	58
74	GEORG CANTORTHE MAN WHO COUNTED PAST INFINITY	1918AD	HTD	9/3/1	58
74	PHIL HINETHE MANUAL WRITER	PRESENT	DSD	4/7/7	58
74	ROBERT BOYLETHE ESTABLISHMENT INSIDER	1691AD	HTD	7/9/1	58
74	MICHAEL AQUINOTHE LIEUTENANT COLONEL OF DARKNESS	2019AD	HTD	7/9/0	58
80	OSCAR WILDETHE AESTHETIC PROVOCATEUR	1900AD	HTD	8/1/3	56.8
81	MR. BUNGLE (THE LAMBDAMOO CASE)THE FIRST GRIEFER	1993AD	DCD	7/2/6	56
81	JOHN DEEPOLYMATH OPERATOR -- DUAL-TRACK REALITY SPECIALIST	1609AD	DSD	7/4/3	56
83	SAMY KAMKARACCIDENTAL WORM AUTHOR -- XSS POETRY SPECIALIST	2005AD	DCD	8/3/7	55.8
84	ORSON WELLESTHE ILLUSIONIST	1985AD	HTD	8/7/8	55
C-Tier35 – 54
85	AUBREY "KIRTANER" COTTLETHE SELF-APPOINTED FOUNDER	ACTIVE	DCD	7/4/5	54
85	RYAN "KAYLA" ACKROYDTHE FABRICATED PERSONA	ACTIVE	DCD	7/3/5	54
85	SRINIVASA RAMANUJANTHE MAN WHO MAILED THE ANSWERS	1920AD	HTD	10/4/2	54
88	AL-HALLAJTHE DIVINE IDENTIFIER	0922AD	DSD	10/0/0	53.6
89	WHITNEY PHILLIPSMEDIA AMPLIFICATION ANALYST -- OXYGEN-OF-AMPLIFICATION THEORIST	ACTIVE	DCD	5/9/8	53.5
90	STATLER & WALDORFTHE MEN IN THE BALCONY	1975AD	HTD	6/9/10	53
91	FANSY THE FAMOUS BARDTHE UNKILLABLE BARD	2001AD	DCD	7/8/8	52
91	HECTOR "SABU" MONSEGURTHE TURNED ASSET	2012AD	DCD	7/2/0	52
93	SIMON MAGUSTHE FIRST HERETIC	0060AD	HTD	6/3/2	51.2
94	ADRIAN LAMOTHE ONE WHO MADE THE CALL	2018AD	DCD	7/3/4	50.5
95	SHERROD "GIRLVINYL" DEGRIPPOTHE LOREKEEPER	ACTIVE	DCD	6/7/8	50
96	ALAN TURINGTHE FORMALIZER	1954AD	HTD	10/1/0	49.2
97	SAMUEL LIDDELL MACGREGOR MATHERSTHE ORDER-BUILDER	1918AD	HTD	8/3/2	49
98	BARRETT BROWNTHE PRESS OFFICER WHO BECAME THE STORY	ACTIVE	DCD	6/4/6	48
98	FREDRICK "COPYPASTE" BRENNANTHE REPENTANT ARCHITECT	2026AD	DCD	6/5/7	48
98	JONATHAN JAMESTHE MINOR WHO BREACHED THE PENTAGON AND WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO STOP PAYING	2008AD	DCD	8/1/0	48
98	RENE GIRARDTHE DIAGNOSTICIAN	2015AD	HTD	7/9/10	48
102	RICHARD "LOWTAX" KYANKACOMMUNITY ARCHITECT -- FRICTION-AS-DESIGN PIONEER	2021AD	DCD	6/3/0	46
103	GENE RAYTHE SINCERE OUTSIDER	2015AD	DCD	5/8/8	44
103	CHRISTOPHER "MOOT" POOLETHE RELUCTANT ARCHITECT	ACTIVE	DCD	3/5/7	44
105	AARON SWARTZTHE BUILDER WHO WAS DESTROYED FOR BUILDING	2013AD	DCD	7/2/0	43
106	JUDITH DONATHTHE CARTOGRAPHER	ACTIVE	DCD	1/10/9	42.9
107	BARNABY JACKTHE SHOWMAN WHO SCARED AN INDUSTRY INTO SAVING LIVES	2013AD	DCD	8/7/7	42
108	ADAM WEISHAUPTTHE ACCIDENTAL IMMORTAL	1830AD	DSD	3/0/2	41.4
109	ISRAEL REGARDIETHE OATH-BREAKING ARCHIVIST	1985AD	HTD	9/6/7	41
109	STEVE HUFFMANTHE SOVEREIGN OF A REPUBLIC HE DOES NOT BELIEVE IN	PRESENT	DSD	5/6/8	41
109	WILLIAM BUTLER YEATSTHE DOUBLE-LIFE ADEPT	1939AD	HTD	9/7/8	41
109	BASSEL KHARTABILTHE MAN WHO OPENED THINGS IN A COUNTRY THAT CLOSED THEM	2015AD	DCD	7/1/0	41
109	GEORGE SMITHTHE ACCIDENTAL REVOLUTIONARY	1876AD	DSD	10/8/2	41
114	TERRY A. DAVISTHE MAN WHO BUILT A TEMPLE ALONE	2018AD	DCD	5/7/7	38
114	MARSILIO FICINOTHE TRANSMITTER	1499AD	HTD	9/6/5	38
114	NICOLAS FLAMELTHE ACCIDENTAL LEGEND	1418AD	HTD	6/2/9	38
114	SEAN SMITHTHE MAN WHO RAN TWO FOREIGN SERVICES AT ONCE	2012AD	DCD	7/1/0	38
118	ALEXANDER HISLOPTHE CONFIDENT FABRICATOR	1865AD	DSD	6/0/10	37
D-Tierbelow 35
119	KIM BELAIRINSTITUTIONAL CONSULTANT -- COMPLIANCE INDUSTRY OPERATOR	2024AD	DCD	4/7/6	34.2
120	LEN SASSAMANTHE ENGINEER WHO GAVE STRANGERS THE RIGHT TO WHISPER	2011AD	DCD	7/3/0	34
121	ZECHARIA SITCHINTHE REVISIONIST MYTHMAKER	2010AD	DSD	5/0/9	33.5
122	CULLEN HOBACKTHE DETECTIVE WHO FILMED THE REVEAL	PRESENT	DSD	4/8/8	31
122	DAN GEERTHE INSIDER WHO WOULDN'T SHUT UP	PRESENT	DSD	8/7/9	31
124	LEEROY JENKINS (BEN SCHULZ)THE GLORIOUS IDIOT	2005AD	DCD	5/8/9	30
125	MOINA MATHERSTHE SET DESIGNER	1928AD	HTD	5/6/5	27
126	ALEXIS OHANIANTHE GENIAL FRONT MAN	PRESENT	DSD	4/5/7	24
126	DION FORTUNETHE TRANSLATOR	1946AD	HTD	7/6/7	24
128	FLORENCE FARRTHE PRODUCER-DIRECTOR	1917AD	HTD	6/7/6	22
128	FRANCES HAUGENTHE INSIDER WHO KEPT THE RECEIPTS	PRESENT	DSD	6/6/8	22
130	AARON BARRTHE AGGRESSOR UNDONE	PRESENT	DSD	2/1/4	18
130	KEVIN ROSETHE FOUNDER WHO REDESIGNED THE EXIT	PRESENT	DSD	2/4/6	18
130	RICK ASTLEYTHE UNWITTING PAYLOAD	PRESENT	DSD	2/9/9	18
133	ERIC KNUDSENTHE MAN WHO INVENTED A FOLK MONSTER BY ACCIDENT	PRESENT	DSD	3/4/6	14
133	IAN GOODFELLOWTHE MAN WHO TAUGHT MACHINES TO LIE CONVINCINGLY	PRESENT	DSD	4/6/8	14
135	IAN MURDOCKTHE BUILDER WHOSE NAME RUNS ON HALF THE INTERNET	2015AD	DCD	2/5/9	11.7
136	JAMES DOLANTHE BUILDER NOBODY NAMES	2017AD	DCD	8/1/1	11
137	SLOWBEEFTHE MAN WHO PRESSED RECORD	PRESENT	DSD	2/4/8	9
137	WARD CHRISTENSENTHE SYSOP WHO BUILT THE ROOM AND NEVER TOOK THE CREDIT	2024AD	DSD	9/8/1	9
139	RANDY SUESSTHE HARDWARE HALF OF THE BLIZZARD	2019AD	DSD	8/8/1	8.5
140	JASON SCOTTTHE MAN WHO REFUSED TO LET THE INTERNET FORGET ITSELF	PRESENT	DSD	8/7/8	8
140	MATT FURIETHE CARTOONIST WHOSE FROG GOT AWAY	PRESENT	DSD	2/4/6	8
142	TOM JENNINGSTHE ANARCHIST WHO BUILT THE NETWORK AND GAVE IT AWAY	PRESENT	DSD	9/8/6	2